conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I could fuck to npr.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
