I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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