My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
