he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
