She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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