that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
