dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
