it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
