I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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