Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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