Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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