I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
