I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
