i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
