I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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