She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
