Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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