apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
