Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
