cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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