So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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