I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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