Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
