dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
