If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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