can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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