LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We're not piercing ourselves today.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
