Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I have tasted many bathrooms
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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