I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
