Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
