you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
