would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
