New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
