That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Someone shit on the floor
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
