My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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