i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Even my vagina gasped.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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