Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
