Cold hands, warm shart.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
