i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
