I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
