So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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