you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
