if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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