my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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