Your tits are I can't wait for
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
