Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
