3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
