good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
