i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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