glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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