Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My vagina is very pro this idea
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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