Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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