Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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